Daughters and Fathers

One weekend, many years ago, Benji had come to Portland with one of his colleagues and his wife. They were in town for a conference. I got to see him for a bit one evening, then the following evening, we were all going to have dinner together at an Indian restaurant. His colleagues' son and daughter-in-law (or daughter and son-in-law) would be joining us.

This was over two decades ago, goodness! So I can't tell you where we ate, or what we ordered. As we finished dinner, or perhaps some of us were still eating, Benji's colleague, Dr. S., asked my father and me a question.

"So, do you think the British were good for India, or bad."

I took a deep and somewhat audible breath, and let Benji go first:

"I think the British were good for India in terms of infrastructure. They built the railways,"

My thought: I'm sure it was the Indians who did the digging and put in the tracks. He continued.

"and established other important offices that are still in India today."

I was totally unsurprised that he gave that response. Benji used to complain about how his children never knew him but I knew him well enough to know that he would reply in favor of the Brits.

"What about you, Naveeda?" Dr. S. had a twinkle in his eye.

"Um, I don't think you want my answer."

"Of course we do." He replied. Benji lowered his head a bit but I could see what was more like a smirk than a smile. He looked like he was already contemplating my response.

"I think the British were very bad for India. Yes, they built the railroads, but they discriminated against Indians. They wouldn't let them in certain places using signs that said "No Dogs or Indians Allowed." They stirred up divisions that had already existed before they arrived. And, they left India in a huge mess before Partition."

Benji scoffed, "Come on Naveeda. You're not looking at this rationally, and your response is more emotional."

"Maybe it is. But it's true. The British ruled over us for over 200 years, and did nothing good for our social structures."

(Looking back at this today, I probably should not have said "nothing.")

Benji paused. He looked at his friends, not at me, but his friends, and said, "Back where we come from, daughters do not argue with their fathers in public."

Dear reader, I tell you, it took every fiber of my being to remain seated as "the good daughter" I was supposed to be, and remain silent for the rest of our time together. I looked at Dr. S. He still had a smile on his face, but the twinkle was fading away. Everyone except for Benji had their eyes fixed on me, whether it was sympathetic, or just to be polite, I didn't know and I didn't care.

He and his wife offered to give me a ride back to my apartment. I assured them I could take the bus, but they insisted. Benji and I sat at the back.We did not speak to one another, and the silence between us was so uncomfortable, as it had been more often than not between us. As we arrived at my place, he mumbled something about calling me in the morning. I thanked everyone and said good night.

As soon as I got home, I called Mum. My parents were still married at the time.

"How did it go, baby?"

"The food was good, but Benji and I got into a tiny argument."

I told her all about Dr. S.' question, which got a tongue click from her, along with a "Why did he ask that?"

"Because he's a troublemaker!" I joked and continued with the narrative. When I got to the part where my father made that remark about daughters arguing with fathers in public, Mum's voice rose in protest.

"That is not true! Even what he said about the British is not entirely correct."

"It's ass-kissing is what it is."

"Don't let him upset you. I love you."

"Love you too."

As soon as I ended our conversation, I hightailed it to a Karaoke bar downtown, where I met B and her parents. When it was my turn to sing, I belted out "My Way" with all the strength and power my voice could muster. I have never sung it as well as I did that night, again. And when I sat down, I could finally feel the dampness on my cheek.

Benji never called the following morning. And I decided I was fine with that.